Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Week 9 In the Field

Hey everyone, Happy Easter!

It's P-day again. We’ve had a great week full of lessons and service 

appointments. Sorry if this email doesn't seem as funny as some of the 

others, I'm having a hard time right now, or as Mom would say, "he's not 

feeling the Mojo". Recently, we got a new rule that says missionaries 

cannot congregate as zones for P-day. This means we cannot leave our 

district areas so we have to quickly create a new P-Day routine. In spite of 

our recent afflictions, we still had a lot of things happen this week. 

On Sunday the 27th, I hit the 2 month mark of me in Tennessee! Woohoo 

22 for to go! 

On Tuesday we had some team ups that went really well. We begin by 

contacting a referral that ended up being a dud. We were looking for a guy 

named Mr. Logan. Well we found his brother, who introduced himself as 

Minister (different first name) Logan. He was very uninterested in our 

invitation to watch the Easter message video. He tried to bash and when he 

wouldn't give us the actual location of his brother, we departed. Then we 

visited with Aida, a woman who has been investigating the church for 3 

years. She's been through several sets of missionaries during that time and 

when we sat down with her, she told us we've been the only missionaries 

that have her considering coming to church. She really likes us, but is hard 

to work with her because she doesn't let us prepare lessons. We just 

answer her questions and come as friends. She's told us she's going to 

come watch General Conference with us, and then come to church with us 

the following week, so I think that is big progress and hopefully a bright 

future for her. 

Roger came over later in the day and we all worked out. Later that evening 

we went contacting less active members with the ward clerk and found 

someone is now an active member of an Episcopalian church. That was a 

awkward conversation.

Wednesday we did some service for a member in the ward. The member 

had a 500 lb bag of leveling sand we had to move up and out of the 

driveway. With 3 people it took us a good 15-20 minutes. The hard part 

was getting it on a palate which took some creativity. The final solution was 

to wedge it up with a wheelbarrow with a wedged ramp on the other side 

while pulling from a 3 foot wall. Elder Beard threw out his back, but he's 

slowly recovering. 

A new family, the Strub Family, from 

Mesa/Phoenix/Tempe/anyotherphoenixsuburb moved in and they fed us 

deep fried tacos. Man, they were good Corn tortilla with some meat in the 

middle, fried up with some cheese, sour cream, more meat, beans and rice 

on top. Oh yeah! 

Thursday was zone conference. President talked about the importance of 

contacting media referrals within 1 hour because those referrals have been 

verified by people in Salt Lake. We also cannot wear white-soled shoes or 

crazy socks while proselytizing. Also, no more large print ties, but these 

knew rules don't really affect me so I'm not too bummed out. Later that day 

Roger Johnson came over to work out and we did chest day. Ben Softky 

would have been proud. 

Friday was weekly planning, then we went out contacting passing out pass-

along cards. We passed out about 40 cards. Our ward mission leader came 

with us to visit a less active family who has an 8 year old trying to get 

baptized. The problem with this family is that they are very irreverent. The 

kids do whatever they want and hardly pay attention during lessons. On 

Sunday, they were so bad, a ward member cussed them out in the parking 

lot. It was a pretty scary thing to hear. Lesson learned: don't play with the 

people in the South, they aren't afraid to repent later. A member took us out 

to eat on Friday to some Mexican restaurant. It was good. I ate a super 

burrito but it wasn't nearly the same as Los Gallos in Redwood City!

Saturday, we did some service for Bro. Rogers, the craziest guy you'll ever 

meet. This guy grows his own hot peppers. Not jalape├▒os or habanero, but 

like Tasmanian hellfire, or Carolina something, and many others. He takes 

these peppers and brews his own hot sauces. He let me try some of the 

hottest sauce ever. It was amazing. The sauce I tried had been aged for 10 

years and was full of flavor. It wasn't just heat and no flavor, it had 

immense flavor...with a ton of heat. Bro Rogers cooked us Mancakes (15 

inch pancakes) with a 5 inch sausage pie per person, and 3 eggs. I ate one 

of everything topped with lots of this hot sauce. Then we went to go do yard 

work for 2 1/2 hours, and when we came in he's made BBQ sauce and hot 

sauce infused hot dogs smothered in liquid smoke mesquite sauce. If you 

asked if I ate good Saturday, the answer was yes! 

We went out and visited a few people with the Elders Quorum President. 

We talked to a women who just became a new investigator, but she speaks 

Spanish and little English so we're probably going to hand her off to the 

Spanish Elders. We tried visiting our investigator Chris, but his girlfriend 

was there and wouldn't let us in or talk to him. Roger came over and 

worked out, it was arm day. 

Sunday we had a lot of E and C members come. The Chapel was packed 

of less active people and recent converts. To put into perspective how 

many less active people this ward rooster has, we have an average 

Sacrament Meeting attendance of 120 and the ward roster is sitting around 

500. That's nothing compared to some of the Baptist churches around who 

draw over 1,000 members for a service. 

We had an 89 year old man give a talk on the atonement. It was an 

awesome talk, and what made it extra special was that he had a stroke 

about a month ago and is on oxygen and can't walk without a walker. 

Despite his physical condition, he wanted to speak in church. So he did. 

His wife who is 20 years younger, spoke on the true meaning of Easter and 

how Christ is alive and how we will all be resurrected because He loosened 

the bands of death. 

We had lunch at a member’s house and it was phenomenal. Pork chops 

marinated overnight in soy, onion, paprika, (and some other sauce I can't 

spell), seasoned asparagus, cheese broccoli, rice and fresh rolls. Then we 

went over a few hours later to another house for dinner and we had 

salmon, rice and salad. I never ate salad before the mission, but I've 

decided as long as it's just greens and Ranch Dressing, it's alright. But it 

has to be Hidden Valley Ranch because all the other brands taste like 

runny, white, dog poop. 

Here's a little spiritual thought I found this week during my personal study. 

I've been reading the book of Matthew these past few weeks. It takes me 

about an hour to read a chapter because I'm always looking for what God 

is trying to tell me in the chapter. A few days ago I was reading out of 

Matthew 27, versus 57-60. It reads," 

57 When the even was come, there came a rich man of Arimath├Ža, named 

Joseph, who also himself was Jesus’ disciple:

58 He went to Pilate, and begged the body of Jesus. Then Pilate 

commanded the body to be delivered.

 59 And when Joseph had taken the body, he wrapped it in a clean linen 


60 And laid it in his own new tomb, which he had hewn out in the rock: and 

he rolled a great stone to the door of the sepulchre, and departed."

When I read this I was instantly struck with a testimony of paying fast 

offerings and service. Now if you had asked me to pay fast offerings two 

months ago, I would have told you, “you are not even getting tithing from 

me right now". But this is so powerful what Joseph did. He gave up his own 

tomb for Christ...literally his body. Back in these days people had to chisel 

out by hand the rock to make a tomb, it was very expensive. It took several 

months, if not multiple years, depending on the specifications of the tomb. 

Joseph decided to give up something of great value for him, for someone 

else. While that person is Christ, we learn in Mosiah 2:17 ,"

17 And behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom; that ye 

may learn that when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only 

in the service of your God"

So there are two things here. While we cannot render service to Christ 

literally as Joseph did, we know that when we serve and take care of our 

fellow man, it is just the same in the eyes of God. Joseph was also a rich 

man, but he didn't let his social status be an excuse not to go do work 

himself. He didn't pay someone to go beg for the body, he did it, he moved 

it himself, he did all the work. God is watching y'all, God knows the intent of 

our hearts, we cannot trick him into thinking we are humble when we are 

actually greedy or prideful. One way to show the intent of your heart is by 

paying a generous fast offering. Yeah, it's going to be hard sometimes, but 

God always will bless you to find a way. 

Here's a example from my mission:

We've been encouraged to pay fast offerings to the ward we serve in while 

on our mission. We didn't pay in February, which was a really bad month 

for meal appointments for us. We got maybe 2-3 a week. In March, I paid 

$20, which doesn't seem like a lot, but out of the $140 we get a month, it 

made it stressful. My companion spent most of his money shipping boxes 

home as he gets ready to return to California. So I ended up buying most of 

the food, cleaning supplies, and bus passes. We breezed through our food 

quick. But a few Sunday's ago, we got blessed big time. The ward decided 

they weren't doing a good job feeding us, so we got every day taken care 

of for the rest of the month. That $20 would have allowed us to get enough 

food to last us the 2 weeks we needed to go, but instead the Lord decided 

to give us real meals instead. I'm telling you, sacrifice and following the 

commandments works! 

So next time you find out someone needs something, don't think you can't 

help, and don't think writing a check is all you can do. We all have bodies, 

we can all work and nobody is too busy to serve. Serving our fellow man, is 

serving God. We are blessed when we serve, and we are blessed when we 

pay fast offerings. 

Hope y'all have a good week and prepare for conference!

Elder Kuhnen
The Great Tennessee Knoxville Mission

Monday, March 21, 2016

Week 8 In the Field

Hey errbody what's good? Thanks for having the desire to know what's hapnin' in the ole' Tennessee Knoxville mission. This week felt like the longest week ever and I’m so happy it's over. Here in Tennessee it's blooming and yeah, we all know what that means: Allergies. Oh man, it feels like a feather is tickling your nose 24/7. But as much as allergies suck, we still got work done and had some good experiences. WE HAD A BAPTISM!
On Tuesday we rode our bikes into downtown Knoxville, around UT campus. The church has a new initiative called #Hallelujah. There is a video y'all can check out on YouTube or the church website. The point of this initiative is to remember the true meaning of Easter.
As much as the Easter bunny, peeps, and finding the golden egg is cool, it's not the point of Easter. Let's not get too pagan. It's a time to remember Christ and his atoning sacrifice and how he is ALIVE...not DEAD.
Elder Kuhnen enjoying the view.
Oh and also can we show a little appreciation for the Passover? A Jewish convert to the church was talking to us about how nobody really recognizes Passover anymore. I thought about it and I realized that yeah, we don't really talk about it anymore. Most congregations won't assign speakers on it. This Jewish convert said that Passover is one of the most significant events for the children of Israel!  It was such a blessing to be allowed to leave Egypt and God commanded them to remember what he had done for him.

In the Bible dictionary it states," Jesus, being the Lamb of God, was crucified at Passover time and is the true Passover (see 1 Cor. 5:7). He was raised from the grave on the third day thereafter. It thus became a springtime anniversary and has come to be called Easter in the Christian world."  While Jesus is the ultimate sacrifice and allows us to not "spiritually die", we have to remember it was by Heavenly Father's will and plan that it was so. So this Easter season I'd challenge you all to think about how Heavenly Father has blessed your life. Think about it and then thank him for it. For me, I think about how I got were I am today, and my experiences and opportunities for progression. But that's me, what do you guys appreciate most from Heavenly Father? 

Tre, if you read this: Bars. 

Wednesday was so L-O-N-G. We had a meeting with all the new missionaries and the mission president and talked for what seemed like an eternity. President Griffin talked about Julius Caesar and how he conquered part of England by burning his ships so his soldiers could not retreat and escape. They then fought harder because it was fight or die.

For missionaries, we need to burn distractions, not you guys (tonight's. loyal. fans......Comedy Sportz....anyone?) but things that distract us during the week from working. Like exploring Walgreens and going to stores, or trying to recite word for word Dave Chappell's hour long specials. It was a good day, just too long and too hot. It was 70 degrees but feels like 100 and you sweat non-stop. Mom, I need some short sleeve shirts. Could you order me some online? Please? 

Thursday: my companion was super sick and we went to the doctor and got him squared away. We stayed home so he could sleep and recover. A member brought us pizza and that's all that was exciting about the day. 

Friday was sort of the same, but with a really cool experience. We had walked to Walgreens so we could go get our prescriptions filled and on our way back we found somebody to teach. Well, actually he found us. His name is Rod, and he's cool. Rod was driving along cruising in his shiny blue BMW and saw us. He honked a few times times and kept driving, a few moments later, he decided to turn around and see if we needed a ride anywhere. We needed to get home so we rode with him. We asked him what ward he's from, and he said," What’s a ward?" Well turns out he's not a member. He has had missionaries before and really liked them. He also just won $6,000 from the lottery. But really when you think about it, he double won the finding the missionaries, I mean COME ON! It doesn't get much better than that. Anyway, he texted us after he dropped us off that he wants to grab lunch sometime and take the lessons. We'll help him humble up his wallet and his soul. I'm making him sound like a snob, but he's actually a really cool and nice dude.
Elder Beard and Tab on Saturday.
Saturday we had a baptism! The guy's name is Tab. He's 53 and feels like he's 22 in spirit. He was taught by the sisters in South Knoxville, but he asked Elder Beard to baptize him. It was cool being at his baptism, he bore his testimony which included that the Book of Mormon was written for him and he'll let anyone read it, but it's written for him. He's a big jokester. After his baptism he told everyone he wants to speed up everything and just go through the temple already. Super cool guy, and boy, he soaks up information real fast. 

On Sunday, I got to be in the circle when he was confirmed a member of the church and received the gift of the Holy Ghost. It was a really good experience for him and me. I've given priesthood blessings before, but it's a whole different feeling to help perform ordinances before that last forever. Unless a person is excommunicated or removes their name from the church, the Holy Ghost will always be with a baptized member. It goes away when we use our agency incorrectly, and can be absolutely dormant for any period of time if we consistently make bad choices and don't repent. But it never fully leaves. When we make a correct choice, and begin to repent, the Holy Ghost comes back, and we will recognize the difference as time goes on when we choose to make more righteous choices and continue to humble ourselves and repent. Ned came to church, and was in a super good mood. He was answering every question in Elders Quorum and walked outta church literally dancing. Pray he can overcome smoking and get baptized. 

Well that's all for this week, today is P-day and I'm throwing on a pair of fake Kobe shoes (courtesy of Cache Fields) and going to town.

Hope y'all have a good week! 

Elder Kuhnen
The Great Tennessee Knoxville Mission


"Hey bro. Strub, you wanna hit up the Masonic temple over there?" -Scott "Oooooooo secret combinations...I think I'll pass." -Sebastian Strub (Tuesday night basketball) 
"Protestant churches don't preach the whole holy pizza." -Tab Allison (bearing testimony at his baptism) 

Monday, March 14, 2016

Week 7 In the Field

Hey errbody!  What's the dill, pickles? Get it crackin' peanuts! They say the weirdest things out here in the South. We went to a Burger King with a member and the lady said to me,"What can I get for you today, baby?" All I thought was: woah, we aren't even dating. People are so casual with terms of endearment that I wouldn't really know how to show affection for anyone out here. Well that's the random southern rant for the week!

Elder Beard, Ned, and Elder Kuhnen after church
This week has had its moments, but has also been absolutely heartbreaking. This week was transfers. So I'm not the youngest person on the block anymore. A long lost friend of mine, Elder DJ Leavitt entered the mission this week. He's down in Athens, Georgia and I hope to serve around him later in the mission. But we lost a few elders and sisters who were super cool. Our district consists of 3 sets of elders and 1 set of sisters. We just got a new sister, fresh off the plane, in our district and they're in the same ward as us. It was really funny in sacrament today, they asked her to get up and introduce herself. She got up, all red faced, and said,"Hello.....I'm sister (name exempt)....I'm from Far West Utah, if you don't know where that is, it's in between Ogden and Salt Lake. Thank you". The ward busted out laughing and she looked like a tomato. Oh man, that was mean, but you have to be careful out here otherwise you will be ridiculed. This ward is so sarcastic and everybody makes fun of everybody. 

In other news, we lost a few investigators. We had been teaching this 80 year old named Don. He is super cool, and really enjoyed our LDS service. But he wasn't progressing and then he found out he has bed bugs in his apartment! It'll be 3 months before we can see him again, as he has been put into quarantine. We have also been teaching a man named Joe. Very nice ex-baptist minister. He cooked us fried chicken about a month ago. I raved about it in my second post I think. We had a lesson with Joe two weeks ago and we didn't know it at first, but Joe had been mixing bourbon and Coke while we showed him a video. We were trying to teach him about living prophets, but he was drunk by the end of the lesson and got well, let's say... stupid. We've given him a few weeks to cool off, but if we can't meet with him this week, we're going to drop him. And finally, Adiea. The mother of a recent convert, she's been investigating the church for a few years and complained that the missionaries abandoned her. We couldn't believe it at first, but after meeting with her for a month we realized why. She's a talker, not a doer. She only wants to talk politics, why rich members of the church suck, and the flaws about Mormon culture... For 2 hours every Thursday! She won't let us teach lessons, and she doesn't like it when we come dressed up. She wants people to listen to her far fetched ideas and beliefs. We would do that if it had anyway of helping people come unto Christ, but it doesn't so we're looking toward dropping her. 

On the brighter side; Ned, our lil homie who is just so awesome, had his first real lesson on Friday. This guy told us we have to keep up with him learning because he's got a copy of Gospel Principles and has read almost the whole thing! He still is struggling with a few things, but we're hoping that he'll be able to be baptized this month. We also have been teaching a women named Dominique, she's a single mother at 19, and is the daughter of a recent convert. We've got her on date for March 19, but she needs to come to church. She likes to spend a lot of time out with her friends on Saturday night, which means she like to sleep in on Sunday

Dinner with the Senior Couple, the Sines.
In other news we were out contacting referrals and knocking a few doors with a high priest. (No excuses Menlo Park ward). For the first 10 doors, we had zero success. But on the 11th, a guy named Chris opened his door and gave us a big smile and let us in. We talked with him for a while and how he was familiar with the missionaries. He called us "his new friends". Chris is 38, single, but has custody over his teenage niece and little nephew. He talked to us about becoming a father by choice when his sister was shot and killed by her ex boyfriend (who the kids belong to). He loves God, but has been looking for a church to join. We'll be teaching him a lot this next week. 

We ate a lot of good food this week. We ate bacon wrapped chicken, tai chicken, BBQ'ed chicken, fried chicken, brisket and smoked sausage, and last but not least RIBS. Yes mom, we had vegetables and even salad a few times! This week I tried fried okra and it was pretty good. 

Well that's about all that was poppin last week. Today is P-day and President Griffin's birthday so the whole Knoxville Zone is coming into Farragut today for a party. I'm going to check out this barbershop called Roosters run by this dude Marcus. He gives missionaries fresh cuts at a freshly discounted price. Stayed tuned for pics of the new dew. 

Funny quotes from this week:
"Man this is worse than my honeymoon night..." - Sebastian Strub (As we were helping him move into his house) 
"What's the dill, pickle?- Lowes Employee (to bro. Harris)

Hope you all have a good week!
Elder Kuhnen
The Great Tennessee Knoxville Mission

Wednesday, March 9, 2016

Week 6 In the Field

You guys will not believe what we did this week!!!
...No we didn't baptize a whole baptist church... no we didn't learn how to play banjos.....We CARRIED A PIANO!!!!!! I'll explain later.
This week was fun I'll give a little summary of each day.

Monday: P-day. We went to Farragut (where the mission office is) and hung out with our mission president and the APs. We threw a frisbee around and hung out while waiting for other companionships from the Knox zone to show up. Then we made our way to this awesome trampoline park where we played dodgeball against some group of high school kids playing hookie. Of course being set apart servants of the Lord, the high school kids where no match to the spirit. We took up our weapons of war and slayed many of them. But alas, they left and so did we. We returned to The chapel and played basketball and fooseball.  (I think that's something we need in the Menlo Park ward, fooseball. We got plenty of room behind the stage. Let's make it happen!)

Tuesday: We did service for a member of the ward who recently bought a house that was designed by teenagers. This house sits at a bottom of a hill, and has a driveway aqueduct that feeds water right into the garage. Whenever it rains the garage and basement flood. We bought 200 lbs of kitty litter and used it to soak up the water. We then had to scoop it outta there and it felt like moving 400 lbs of horse poop. We also went tracting later but nobody seemed to be that interested.

Wednesday: We had district meeting and we learned that rejection is okay. When someone chooses not to accept the gospel, it's still planing a seed that future missionaries or ward members can harvest. This is why opening your mouth to people is very important. They will remember you as member of the church who was different from everyone else. Future contact with missionaries or members could be the contact that leads them to taking the lessons! That was the case with our newest investigator Donovan. We met Donovan while buying kitty litter at Walmart. He was working the checkout stand and saw our name tags. He remembered doing door to door sales for AT&T and knocking on the mission presidents door. They talked for a long time, but Donovan wasn't interested in the church. Fast forward a year and now he is. He remembered everything about president Griffin. It doesn't get much better than that. Open your mouth and do not despair!
Dinner at the Gull's house. 
Later that night we received a referral from Salt Lake to a kid in the dorms at the University of Tennessee. He requested a bible, but c'mon you don't ask for a bible and get just a bible! We took him a bible, the Book of Mormon, 2 LDS pamphlets, and a pass along card with the church address. He was very surprised at first that it was all free, but he accepted it all warmly. His name was Rob, a sophomore at UT, and member of the Sigma Nu fraternity. It was really cool experience because the member who was driving us was also a Sigma Nu from his college. They bonded and that connection got Rob to feel like we were long lost best friends. Nevertheless, we will be seeing him again sometime soon after his midterms are over. 

Thursday: we visited Aida Reyes, a longtime investigator of the church. She has been through 4 or 5 different sets of missionaries. We've been the first, according to her, she hasn't thrown out on the second visit. Hey that's a start! Last week she told us when her mother died, she saw the picture of Moroni burying the plates on her mothers dresser. Only very important things were on that dresser. She had lost the card to her sister in the will settlement. Her sister wouldn't give her the card, so we got her a 3 1/2 foot blown up version of that picture. She hasn't been progressing up until now. She won't let us prepare a lesson, or even come dressed up. She wants friends so that's what we've been to her.
Later that night we helped a family move in from Arizona. They're pretty funny people, and very sarcastic. If you can't be sarcastic you won't make it here. The problem was that they showed up with a semi, full of only heavy stuff. To name a few: 2 refrigerators, 1 freezer, a coffin sized tv stand, a water heater, and a piano. Everything else that could have been light was made out of oak or easy days. We had to get the piano down from the truck and we only had 6 guys. Two lifted it off and onto the shoulders of us 4 on the ground. When I found out just how much a piano weighed I yelled ,"WE'RE CARRYING A PIANO!" as loud as possible. I've also decided that unless I can pay people to move stuff for me, I'll never own a piano. Asking someone to help them move a piano is not a great way to make friends. 

Friday: We had weekly planning and all of our appointments fell through. Elder Beard got a little sick so it was a slow day. 

Saturday: We were supposed to visit with Joe Davis, one of our not progressing investigators. A member came with us and really wanted to help Joe gain a testimony of living prophets. We shared D. Todd. Christofferson's talk "Why the Church". I suggest to anyone who wants to know what our church is all about watch it. Also to anyone who feels unsure about the church, watch it. It strengthened my testimony and it really lays out the importance of following the example of Jesus Christ exactly the way He layed it out over 2000 years ago. Everyone should watch it. Joe really soaked it all in and is now progressing after praying and receiving a witness that what was said was true. I know if anyone has any questions, praying with real intent works. Real intent means being able and willing to act on an answer you receive. 

Trying Garlic flavored ice cream...
Sunday: Church was awesome, as usual. Lots of people bore their testimonies and we had a few investigators come and just soaked it up. Specifically, Ned, one of our progressing investigators, has struggled this week. He called us four times on Saturday and several other times throughout the week. These calls last between 30 minutes and 1 hour and they ain't pretty stuff you want kids to listen to. But when Ned came to church, all of his problems, his language, everything changed. He recognizes this and wants more and more of the church. He wishes that church was everyday so he can relax all the time. Recently we shared with him "A Hope of Gods Light" Mormon message. It's about a man who made wrong choices but was able to overcome all his addictions and change his life for the better. Ned really connected well with that and has a strong desire to change his ways. Currently he is on date to be Baptized on March 19th
We went to the Gulls for dinner, and we ate the best food. Bacon wrapped chicken with cheese in the middle. Garlic Mashed Potatoes, Carmeled carrots and stuffing. Oh man, we ate so good. Dessert got interesting. We made homemade ice cream. We talked about crazy Ice cream flavors and I talked about having Garlic Ice Cream in Gilroy, CA. So Brother Gull decided to make Garlic Ice Cream. It actually was better than the stuff down in G-town. But it still burned the throat though. We also made Strawberry Pineapple ice cream. While it tasted better, it wasn't as cool. 

Things are going good down here in the South! Miracles are happening and the work is going farther! We had a mission wide fast yesterday for more missionary opportunities in the coming transfer. They say January trough March is the hardest time for missionary work here in Knoxville because of inclement weather. We still have had lots of success, so hopefully the future is going to be crazy. 

Have a good weekly everyone!

Elder Kuhnen
The Great Tennessee Knoxville Mission

"I was talking to a chiropractor and he said he could fix my hips. I was like man I don't care if you gotta use a sledge hammer, a fat women, whatever it takes. If he can fix my hips, praise Jesus!" -Roger Johnson (before working out)